Explanations

L

Holy shit dude. How do I write this.

L is dead. She’d be 24 this year. I didn’t even meet her that long. We went to cadet camp together. We became close friends over the stupid love of MSN we all had back there. Hell remember Meebo? Being able to run four or five accounts at once.

L and I chatted all the time. Other than cadets she wasn’t allowed to do much. I was a loser so I didn’t do much. We chatted all the time. Out of anyone in the world, she deserved a good upbringing. Her father was in politics. And her mother is piece of shit. She deserved a good life. But I remember reading the article when she died. They told the news that the she had addiction, and add problems. I will never forget the amount of times she told me, cried that she was afraid of becoming stoners like her brothers. They said she left home. Not that she was kicked out. Not that her mom hit her.

It sucked. and for weeks, months, I was the only person who’d actually asked what was wrong. Talk, listen, and help cope. Like she wasn’t allowed to talk about her mom hitting her. She didn’t want her dad to lose his office. She was a homeless kid at 15. I remember her working at a summer camp one year. I remember focusing too much on a girl I was trying to hit on. She kept saying “Why weren’t you there.” and “I needed you.” Things like that… They never leave.

Do you know what a fifteen year old does to stay warm? Canada is fucking cold. I’d hear from her from daily, to weekly. The stories I’d hear weren’t of the same innocent girl I knew. But anytime an election was near or something, guess who was still in the youth cons and shit. Like for fucks sake. She stood by her family when no one gave a shit about her.

I remember when I turned 17, they started asking us about college apps. I wasn’t sure what was happening. L asked what was happening, if I wasn’t to move 300Km towards her. One of the biggest things i regret in my life… is moving 300km the otherway. Years later, I tell her that this shit is on my mind everyday. She told me so casually… not to worry about it. A few months later… she passes.

I still message her on facebook. Maybe I should’ve moved. Had a couch for her a crash on. A person she could lapse too. To relax with. To support her. To give a shit about her.

I’m sorry L. I hope life is cool after death.

Now listening: A Death In the Family – Type O Negative

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